Lose Weight Fast

Scientists finally figured out teleportation last summer. It took them long enough. I mean, they’ve been teleporting things around on Star Trek since time immemorial.

They did with just an atom, though. One single little atom. What’s that good for?

Well, they figure that’ll be the basis for teleporting larger objects in the future, like dogs and suitcases and, well people.

They’ll break us down into our molecular components, then toss us into the air like so much pixie dust. We’ll be reassembled a moment later in Shanghai.

I was thinking about this on the plane the other day. Isn’t the plane good enough? Flying through the air faster than … anything.

That’s pretty cool, as far as I’m concerned. And, y’know, I like travelling in one piece.

And what about the in-flight movie? How can you really enjoy it if you don’t have all your eyeball molecules together at once?

I guess that’s point. Teleportation is instantaneous. One minute you’re here, then you’re there. But there’s got to be some time lag.

What happens if the teleporting machine breaks down just after you’re turned into a cloud of molecular vapour? In a plane, at least the pilot can try to on a highway somewhere if something goes wrong with the airport.

It happens all the time on TV.

If you’re just a bunch of atoms floating around with nowhere to go, you’d be in trouble.

But, seriously, isn’t flying good enough? It’s uncomfortable, sure, but you get there.

It’s sort of our cultural wont, though, isn’t it? Faster, better, spend less time, expend less energy.

Walking sucks because it takes forever to get anywhere. It’s so much better to use the car to rush to the gym so you can work off all those calories you collected sitting around in the car all day.

That may be something teleportation can help with though. I mean, if they’re taking apart our molecules, can’t they just sort of leave some of them behind? Especially some of these ones here, around my belly,
and back here.

We could all get somewhere fast and arrive a new person. Travel has always been a transforming experience, but if you could shed a few pounds instantly in the process…

Now that I think about it, maybe teleportation is the ultimate technology.

I’m sold. Beam me up Scotty!

These molecules were once called Andrew Robulack.

Originally broadcast on CBC Radio North on February 1, 2005.
Copyright Andrew Robulack 2005

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