The holiday party season is upon us this year and the theme is definitely geek.
But wait – you’re not “in” on IM? Do terms like terabyte and USB leave you cold?
Well, this is your lucky day because my self-help program is being offered exclusively to Yukon News readers to help you avoid situations like the following:
At a co-worker’s Christmas party you find two bowls of punch; one is marked, “Mac,” the other, “PC.”
Confused, you grab a bottle of beer from the cooler hidden under the table.
Looking more closely at the victuals laid out, you begin the think you may have wandered into the wrong party!
Cookies have been prepared in the shapes of computers. A large cake is decorated with the likeness of Steve Jobs.
A bowl of green jell-o has a label taped to it that reads “64-bit.” A closer inspection reveals memory chips suspended in its wobbly depths.
A rotund, short man bumps up beside you. His red t-shirt carries a picture of Santa Claus wearing taped-up horn-rimmed glasses.
“64-bit, get it?” he chuckles. “It’s electric!”
He laugh-snorts furiously and dips himself up a cup of PC.
A friend suddenly appears and drags you over to a cluster of people.
And that’s when you see him.
He’s broad-shouldered, think-jawed and his eyes sparkle blue through his non-prescription specs. His pants are a bit tight and so ten years ago, but his ToeSocks make you giggle.
You feel your knees go weak as he chats with a friend and flashes a set of perfect teeth that could only be the product of expensive orthodontics.
Your heart swells with compassion for the teasing he must have endured as a teen. (And you know all about it, because you used to dispense it.)
You overhear words like “quad-core” and “algorithm” in the conversation he’s having.
Suddenly you’re beside him. He warmly says hello to you.
You glance at his cup, smile wickedly, and ask: “So. Mac or PC?”
“Chrome, actually,” is his cold reply as he looks down his beautiful straight nose at your beer and turns away.
Geek is chic this holiday season, so if you want to score yourself an online chat session with that special someone, then you don’t want to find yourself in this sort of conversational collapse.
My easy 12-step program will prepare you for awkward moments such as these with titillating geekicisms like: “Chrome? Oh, I’ll make your cloud rain, snuggles.”
I’ll turn you from hoochie mama to hackababe before you can say, “Tux the Penguin.”
For only $49.99 you’ll get full access to my online video podcast program, “How to Win the Heart of the Geek You Adore by Becoming the Cyber-Honey of his Dreams.”
But that’s not all. Act now I’ll include this anti-bacterial foam iPhone scrubby that’s perfect for getting two-day-old Aunt Jemima off of melamine plates.
Through my easy 12- step program you’ll learn how to effectively act, talk, stand, snort-laugh, walk, eat, drink, shop (online), boogie board, ride a bike with flat tires in the snow, and watch movies like an authentic geek.
The first 12 people to complete their order online will also receive a free make-up kit that, when applied properly, looks just like acne scars!
Podcast sessions 1 through 3 will teach you how to be like Windows 7: his girlfriend, simplified.
Sessions 4 through 6 are dedicated completely to attaining level 89 in World of Warcraft. Studies show that the one proven way to win a geek’s heart is to kick his gnome mage ass with a dwarf paladin.
Act now and you’ll also receive a 1-hour in-home training session from one of our certified geeks absolutely free.
You’ll learn hands-on how to prepare invigorating meals like Coco-Puffs with Coffee Sauce and how to pour the perfect glass of Rock Star.
As you work through the more advanced podcast sessions, you’ll learn about the finer points of geek humour and culture.
We’ll teach you how to to fire off witty repartees that will win you instant geek cred, like:
“Bill Gates’ said 128 K would be enough!” and
The final two sessions are dedicated to geek fashion. We’ll teach you laundry avoidance techniques. Our shopping guide will direct you to web sites that sell the hottest ill-fitting pants and shirts.
But, wait, that’s not all!
Act now and you’ll receive a bonus podcast that will get you up to speed on Google’s new Chrome OS.
Everyone says that geeks have their heads in the clouds, and that’s never been truer.
This exclusive podcast will teach you how to tell the difference between a real OS and a glorified browser better than Google’s own engineers!
Everybody knows that Geek is Hunk 2.0, so don’t get stuck with a muscle-bound bore this holiday season.
Order my series of podcasts now and I guarantee you’ll win yourself a ribald K&M* date** before the digital mistletoe starts to hit the screen savers at the office.
(Some conditions apply.)
* See? You’re already lost. That’s Keyboard and Mouse.
** Probably online.
Originally published in the Yukon News on Friday, November 27, 2009.